Memo

Avalist Holdings Corporation

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Memo

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To: All Personnel
From: Corporate Training Office
CC: CEO; HHRM
Date: 8/22/2007
Re: New Training Video Format

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Avalist Holdings Corporation is contracting Ragdoll Productions for new Training Video Series
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Avalist Holdings Corporation has signed a contract with Ragdoll Productions to film and produce all new training videos. Ragdoll Productions is the popular and successful producer of many British television shows including Teletubbies. The corporate training office has decided to give Ragdoll productions full creative license in the creation of these new training videos in order to ensure personnel engagement in the training process.
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Several changes to the training curriculum and videos will be noticed as a result of this contract. The format that Ragdoll Productions will utilize in these new training videos will match that of an episode of Teletubbies.
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The symbol of a sun personified as a baby will be seen in all new training videos in order to create a homogenous theme to all subjects. The multiple training video montages within each curriculum will now be shown twice to increase memorization, as seen on Teletubbies. None of the characters used in the training videos will speak with comprehensible words, but will make monosyllabic and high-pitched sounds to communicate. The narrator of all training videos will have a British accent and will speak in a patronizing tone to the trainee audience.
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The corporate leadership team feels that this new chapter in training at Avalist Holdings Corporation will be a successful one. Questions should be submitted to the HHRM or the Corporate Training Office as listed in your company directory.

Insomnia

Now that I am writing, I am finally getting sleepy…no wait…still here. Ah, shoot, I was almost drowsy for a second. I woke up at about 3am thinking about stuff, namely food, and I could not go back to sleep. What do you do to get tired again when your body, for some crazy reason, thinks it should be up at the clubbin’ hours of the night? Warm milk? No, tried that and it turned out to be a big mistake – you shouldn’t drink milk when it is still simmering. Now my tongue is swollen.
I went to the grocery store today and got some sweet food products. I got this new herbal tea called ‘lemon liftoff’, and it is looking mighty fine sitting on the counter next to a can of dog food. The little picture on the box is of a lemon-shaped rocket taking off. Maybe this – warm tea – will put me to sleep. Three cups later the tea is still having no effect. In fact, I am feeling pretty lucid right now – the light is on upstairs, and I am ready to pull an all-nighter!
By now, the first two cups of tea have passed through my body, and I have to visit the restroom. In the mirror, I check out my eyes – weird, the pupils are dilated, and I feel like there is a short, but talented, rapper beat-boxing to my heartbeat in my head. Needless to say, I am inspired to beat-box myself and start making the typical night club sounds with my mouth that irritate my wife. She takes notice, from the other room, and wakes up just enough to have an articulated conversation with me.
“You’re hitting trees,” she exclaims. I see the potential for fun here.
“Where am I hitting trees?”
“On the road.”
“What am I driving?”
“The car.”
“Why didn’t we take the spaceship out this time, honey, it has cruise control?!”
“Shutup.” Okay, maybe she doesn’t want to have a dream-induced conversation. But I am still not asleep. What could be boring enough to put me to sleep? Maybe reading a textbook. No, I am not that desperate. My writing, yes, that is boring enough to put me to sleep. So, I sit down and start writing ws blog entry. Snow that I amriting I am finallllylllll getting sleepy sffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff.fva d. And suddenly I am dreaming of a lemon-shaped rocket stocked with dog food. Wait, we don’t even have a dog!

N.A.CH.O.

For Tricky Nick
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My name is Jacques and I am a charter member of N.A.CH.O. To those of you not familiar with snappy acronyms and their true meanings, that stands for the National Association of Chihuahua Owners. Our organization was started in 1984 with the primary goal of uniting Chihuahua owners so that proper legislation could be made for our pint-sized pals. Whether you own the Teacup, Toy, Ultratoy, Ragdoll, Longhair, Hairless, or Triple Blink variety of Chihuahua, we welcome you to our family.
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Have you ever had the problem of pushy businesses with no concern for your best friend? I bring Ralph (my Toy Chihuahua) everywhere with me: department stores, ultra-chic clothing stores, coffee shops, jewelry stores, home improvement stores, night clubs, the doctor’s office; they are all where my dog belongs. During the winter, I cannot be expected to leave my darling best friend in the car to shiver. So I bring him into the stores with me – wearing his alpaca-hair sweater with a triple stitched French collar blouse layered beneath. He seems to get more compliments on his fashion than me.
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Sometimes, when it is really cold, I tuck him halfway in my blazer so that he can stay warm off of my body heat. For some reason he still shivers though. And he blinks a lot; does your Chihuahua blink a lot? I am thinking that maybe I should have the vet take a look at him. I mean he blinks like twenty times a second.
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The other day, Ralph and I were wearing our matching N.A.CH.O. t-shirts, and we went in to this one store with a manager that apparently had a problem with us. If this ever happens to you, simply flash your membership card and state: “I keep this dog for medical reasons; it is my right to bring him in here, so don’t give me any of your anti-canine guff!” Usually, the person harassing you about your Chihuahua friend will simply shake their head and leave you alone. If that doesn’t work, take a clue from your best friend and try the classic ‘owner-like-dog’ routine: start shaking with minute tremors and blink like ten times a second. Also, bulge your eyes out a little and look at the verbal attacker with an air of futile defiance.