Notes on life...

(Please note: all of these notes are based on reality, but I have taken some creative license in my story-telling.)

• Do you remember those fun little ‘Magic Rock’ kits that would combine childhood creativity with non-toxic science? I recently discovered that they are still in production – and that you should NOT drink the ‘Magic Solution’ that causes the rocks to grow.
• I have a friend, Tricky Nick (real name), who was recently struck with an illness that debilitated him to the point of unconsciousness. He stated: ‘I woke up this afternoon in my recliner with a half-eaten ham sandwich sitting next to me.’ He did not recall making the ham sandwich, consuming it, or lying down to sleep. Doctors were boggled by his strange memory loss and decided that he had a previously unknown strain of virus. ‘Normally in these circumstances, we name the virus after the person who was first infected by it, the person who discovered it, or both. However, your story intrigued us and we have officially named your particular virus la-z-boy sandwichoviridae.’
• There is a board game titled Public Assistance (Produced by Hammerhead Enterprises, Inc.) which gives some excellent tips on successful exploitation of the welfare system.
• It is ill-advised to sell reconditioned or opened products to a customer who wears a nametag that says: Ron, Quality Assurance Inspector, Southwest Aeronautics Company. Why, you ask? Because Ron will open the package, disassemble the product and systematically handle, inspect and measure every piece. He will not be satisfied with a discount for the 54mm x 2.6mm scratch that exists on the front auxiliary counterweight panel – he will demand a factory fresh model for the reconditioned price (this, too, he will inspect).
• Our local mall has a kiosk with four coin-operated massaging recliners. There is a plaque next to the coin slot that indicates that two minutes of ‘professional’ massage therapy costs 50 cents. For greater value, you can receive one full hour of massage for $14.50. Two things came to mind the last time I visited this massage kiosk: 1) The only reason I would want an hour-long mechanical massage in a public venue is to pass the time while my wife looked through the 8,000 cards at the Hallmark store. 2) 30 (2-minute massages) x $0.50 = $15 (thanks for the two free minutes, Vendaloo Industries).